Life • November 27, 2011

My Husband Is Never Going To Have S*x With Me Ever Again…

Picture the scene. It’s a Friday night. Mr E has just cooked us a lovely risotto and Mads is fast asleep in bed. We are snuggled together on the sofa, he is drinking a beer, I am drinking a diet coke. We are chatting, laughing, watching TV. Enjoying each other’s company.

Before Child we may have moved upstairs to the bedroom and partaken in a little spot of naughty business. Hell, we may have even lived life on the edge and had some fun in the living room. Now before you think I am going to say that things have gone downhill in that department since having Mads, you’re wrong. Kind of.

There is nothing on television this evening, I am feeling a little bit restless, I can’t be bothered to blog particularly and it is cold. What more of a perfect excuse to get down to a little bit of nookie? But alas, no, there will be nothing of the sort going on in the ‘E’ house tonight. And it is not because of the little girl asleep upstairs. No, No the reason in fact for this spell of abstinence is in fact this…….

cow

No you’re eyes are not deceiving you, I am wearing an adult babygrow. A ‘onesie’ as the cool kids call them. If anyone saw my Saturday caption last week you will see me in my fully fledged onesie glory. An attractive sight don’t you think? Well at the time of that photo being taken, the onesie didn’t actually belong to me, it was my little sisters. She is nearly eighteen and can get away with such garments to sleep in. However the article in question was too big for her so she ever so kindly donated it to me.

I put it on as a joke when I was at their house and drove home in it (thank God I didn’t break down or the RAC man would have been in for a major fright) to make Mr E chuckle when I walked in it. All very well and he did muster a smile at his wife arriving home looking like the 102nd Dalmation. The only problem is?

Well I haven’t taken it off. It is now ten in the evening and I am still in the adult babygrow. Before you judge me, you need to try one on. They are so comfy. I can let my risotto and garlic bread filled belly puff out in all its pride. It keeps my tootsies toasty warm and is so incredibly snug. I defy anyone to put a onesie on and not find them the comfiest thing you will ever wear. However don’t do it if you are wanting to make babies with your partner as they are pretty much more effective contraception than a condom or the pill.

Comfiness aside, I can safely say that Mr E is never going to want to have s*x with me ever again. I can sense his eyes burning into me, looking at me and trying to picture the size 8, pretty young thing he fell in love with. The one that wore Agent Provocateur underwear. Not the one with the baby belly that wears a fleecy, Daisy the cow inspired, all in one babygrow. It doesn’t help that I keep dancing around the room and pretending to do a strip tease, slowly and *sexily* undoing the zip. He is trying to smile but I can see the panic and fear in his eyes. I just asked him what he thought of my onesie and he looked me up and down and said ‘No comment’. Enough said.

So while many of the households in Great Britain will be up to some good old fashioned nookie tonight, spare a thought for poor Mr E who will be going to bed with a life size adult babygrow wearing, fleecy, Dalmation looking version of his wife.

Sweet Dreams Mr E.

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