Life • May 17, 2015

{The Ordinary Moments 15} #20 ‘Motherhood Right Now’…

My motherhood journey seems to be broken down into stages. There’s those big stages- the newborn days, the baby days, the toddler days and the days before school, the big milestone days that get ticked off one by one. First smile… check. First tooth… check. First time in a big girl bed… check. First time on a play date without Mummy… check. Every stage that passes and every milestone reached, however great, I seem to mourn. I mourned the day LL stopped wearing babygrows, I mourned the day Mads no longer called me Mama but Mummy and I mourn them getting older on a regular basis. I am an emotional sap and I find the slightest thing about my children can set me off. But at the same time I find myself saying ‘This is the best it’s ever been.’ 

And it’s true, for every stage that passes that feels so utterly bittersweet, there’s actually a better stage ahead. The newborn days, they are oh so delicious, with those soft baby heads and endless hours breastfeeding, snuggling and marvelling at this little person you created. There’s those teeny tiny onesies, washed over and over again, the night feeds where although you are exhausted you feel like it’s just you and your baby against the world. But as much as I love to look back on them with fondness (and remember the hardness at times), each stage that we get to really is the best of all the moments that have been before it. That’s the beauty of watching these girls grow up.

So what is motherhood like right now with an ‘almost four and a half year old’ and a ‘turned two a couple of months ago year old?’ Well of course, yet again, it’s the best it’s ever been. These days being a Mum means going from moments of utter frustration to just absolute proudness and love in a few moments. Sometimes I feel like the days are never ending- hour upon hour of constant questions, grumpy children or just the daily humdrum of life. Life can be tedious at times, of course it can, routines and structures set in place, eating the same thing every week, going to the same soft play and playing the same games over and over. Sometimes I go to bed in the evening and feel so incredibly guilty- I feel guilty for not giving them my full attention, not fully participating in the same boring game of making plastic pizza with olives and tomato, of not being completely present. Or I will feel guilty for losing my patience too easily, for shouting over something that didn’t really need to be shouted over.

But for the most part, motherhood just feels good to me. Of course it’s always felt good, it’s a blessing and for the most part I’ve been lucky to have it pretty easy all things considered. But this stage we are at right now? It’s fun. Mads is on the brink of going to school and I know life will change dramatically then, but for the next few months I have her all to myself bar the days she’s at nursery. She’s like a sponge, she wants to learn, she wants to understand about the world she lives in and above all she is just the most funny little character. She’s a joker, she is never serious and she always has a smile. Yet she is incredibly sensitive, affectionate and loves to be near you. At times that can become a little stifling, she is constantly asking questions, wanting to play, but she’s also pretty easy. She knows the consequences of her actions at four, she knows how to behave. You can tell her to do something and she will do it most of the time. Of course the odd meltdown can still occur, but for the most part she is such a well behaved little girl.

And then there’s LL. My baby. Who actually really isn’t a baby anymore. In the last couple of weeks all traces of baby have gone. Instead we have a little girl, a happy, cheerful little girl whose character develops on a daily basis- we are loving to get to know her properly and find out who she is and who she is going to become. Her speech has exploded and we love her feisty little personality. She’s more stroppy than her big sister, who often gives in to her for an easy life. She has the occasional serious temper tantrum, of course we are well in the ‘terrible twos’, but I have the benefit of experience this time round. It doesn’t phase me. Yes that person just had to step over my wailing, screaming child who has just thrown herself on the floor of Tescos because I wouldn’t let her hold a pack of frozen chips. (true story) Do I care? It doesn’t phase me in slightest. The second time around you know that you haven’t given birth to a wannabe sociopath just because of a few tantrums. You know it’s just a stage and that she will grow out of it soon enough, hindsight is a powerful tool in this motherhood journey.

Both my girls are so much fun to be around. I think it’s even better because they compliment each other so well. They are learning to play with each other properly, rather than simply co-existing and being sat there playing next to each other with separate toys. Sharing a bedroom together has made them even closer and I hear them at night chattering away, of course a lot of time LL doesn’t make a huge amount of sense, but judging by the giggles, it’s non stop fun. And quite simply it’s fun for me too. I am the lucky one who gets to take part in these adventures. To experience their imaginations and the way they are with each other. To experience the cuddles, the kisses and the happy smiles. I get to experience the days where I cannot wait for them to get to bed- where I breathe a sigh of relief that they are away from me so I can get some peace, only to go upstairs and see them fast asleep, their bodies contorted into funny positions because they have obviously been getting up to mischief and I get to feel that emotion of pure love that comes with watching my sleeping babies. All parents must get that feeling when they check on them at night- that feeling ‘These little people are mine’, the way the love just rushes through you and you want to wake them up.

I have no doubt that there will be more stages in the future. Harder stages, stages where it all goes a bit difficult, I remember in the early days my Mum used to ring me to check in and say ‘How’s it been today?’ because Mads was going through a stage of having tantrums and LL was teething and grumpy. I had days where I would pace the living room just waiting for Mr E’s key to turn in the lock. But those days rarely happen anymore, sure I have bad days where I say to my husband ‘Please let me go and have a bath for an hour just to have a break’ but they are few and far between. Parenting is tough, those stages will come back, periods where Mads drives me mad, where she tests the boundaries again, or where LL repeats them all just a couple of years behind.

But motherhood right now? It feels good. It’s always good but it feels really good.

‘This is the best it’s ever been.’

may 2015 mads ll



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